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You may download a DOCX copy of the Act 1 libretto here.
You may download a DOCX copy of the Act II libretto here.
Operetta libretto based on A.A. Milne’s play of the same name
Lyrics of first two songs by Jeffrey Whitfield; the script and remaining lyrics by Don Orfeo
NOTE: Some of the Act I dialogue is brazenly stolen directly from the original play!
Chancellor
Princess Camilla
King Morph, her father
Queen Zazu, her mother
Prince Simon
King Ollie, his father
Queen Isabel, his mother
Dulcibella, maid in waiting to Camilla
Egbert, Dulcibella’s boyfriend and son of the Chancellor
Carlo, Simon’s squire
Great-Aunt Malkin
Royal Court members, townspeople.
The Throne Room. It is not at all fancy; it is in fact just the living room of a house occupied by the royalty. There are four thrones USC, two large in the center, two smaller ones to either side. Two benches are against the back wall next to the two smaller thrones. King Morph is asleep slouched on the center right throne. Townspeople and royal staff are preparing and decorating the space for an upcoming wedding; the Chancellor is busy giving directions and keeping the excited townspeople quiet so that they do not awaken the King. The curtains remain closed during the largo of the introduction; they open on measure 32 of the Allegro portion.
Ensemble
Stream the streamers hang the banners, pluck the lyre, fill the cup!
But for dreamers, Mind your manners, please don’t wake his highness up!
But for dreamers, mind your manners, please don’t wake his highness up!
The Princess soon will be a bride, let the revelry commence.
Hear us croon with joy and pride for Camilla and the Prince, Camilla and the Prince!
Chancellor
Tiptoe softly, Shush your musing
On his daughter’s wedding day.
He is lofty and is snoozing,
Whisper what you have to say!
Ensemble
Many, many years He has toiled To find a groom the bride could keep.
Oft the fears Of being foiled Had robbed him of his nightly sleep;
Oft the fears of being foiled Had robbed him of his nightly sleep!
Yesterday the King was told Prince Simon from a distant land
Arrives today (The lad is bold) To claim Camilla’s lonely hand, Camila’s lonely hand.
Chancellor
Hail the king who did this deed but hail him softly; do not scoff:
In no small thing he did succeed to get his daughter married off, his daughter married off!
Ensemble [kneeling piously]
All hail the King who did this deed, I would not scoff; His daughter now will soon be married off!
Chancellor
Tiptoe softly! Shush your musing! He is loftly, and is snoozing! Tiptoe softly! tiptoe softly, softly, softly, softly,
Chancellor and Ensemble Parts 1 and 2
(Chancellor) softly, softly, softly, softly, softly, softly, softly, But for dreamers, Mind your manners, please don’t wake his highness up!
(Ensemble Part 1) Stream the streamers hang the banners, pluck the lyre, fill the cup!
But for dreamers, Mind your manners, please don’t wake his highness up!
But for dreamers, mind your manners, please don’t wake his highness up!
(Ensemble Part 2)All hail the King who did this deed, I would not scoff; His daughter now will soon be married off!
[Crowd cheers loudly]
Chancellor
Tiptoe softly! Shush you musing! He is lofty, and is snoozing! Tiptoe softly! Tiptoe softly, softly, softly—
Ensemble
Please don’t wake his highness up; please don’t wake his highness up!
[Chancellor shoos all off stage L&R; he prepares to “Shhhh;” on the last chord; instead, on the last chord the chorus pops their heads on stage from the wings and gives a loud “Shhhh” sound!]
[Chancellor briefly inspects the décor, then looks at his wristwatch or pocket watch (it is an hourglass).]
Chancellor
Ah, look at the time; they’ll be arriving any moment! [He turns to awaken the King; quietly speaking.] Your Highness? King Morph? [a little louder] Your Highness? [gently shakes his leg] Hello? Hi? [gets an idea, stomps his feet] Ah, I do believe I hear the footsteps of your wife the Queen approaching. [King awakens with a start.]
King Morph
(With simple dignity) I was thinking.
Chancellor
(Bowing) Never, Your Majesty, was greater need for thought than now.
King Morph
That’s what I was thinking.
(He struggles into a more dignified position.) Well, what is it? More trouble?
Chancellor
What we might call the old trouble, Your Majesty.
King Morph
It’s what I was saying last night to the Queen. “Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown,” was how I put it.
Chancellor
A profound and original thought, which may well go down to posterity.
King Morph
You mean it may go down well with posterity. I hope so. Remind me to tell you some time of another little thing I said to Her Majesty: something about a fierce light beating on a throne. Posterity would like that, too. Well, what is it?
Chancellor
It is in the matter of Her Royal Highness’s wedding.
King Morph
Oh . . . yes.
Chancellor
As Your Majesty is aware, the young Prince Simon arrives today to seek Her Royal Highness’s hand in marriage. He has been traveling in distant lands and, as I understand, has not — er — has not —
King Morph
You mean he hasn’t heard anything.
Chancellor
It is a little difficult to put this tactfully, Your Majesty.
King Morph
Do your best, and I will tell you afterwards how you got on.
Chancellor
Let me put it this way. The Prince Simon will naturally assume that Her Royal Highness has the customary — so customary as to be, in my own poor opinion, slightly monotonous — has what one might call the inevitable — so inevitable as to be, in my opinion again, almost mechanical — will assume, that she has the, as I think of it, faultily faultless, icily regular, splendidly —
King Morph
What you are trying to say in the fewest words possible is that my daughter is not beautiful.
Chancellor
Her beauty is certainly elusive, Your Majesty.
King Morph
It is. It has eluded you, it has eluded me, it has eluded everybody who has seen her. It even eluded the Court Painter. His last words were, “Well, I did my best.” His successor is now painting the view across the water-meadows from the West Turret. He says that his doctor has advised him to keep to landscape.
Chancellor
It is unfortunate, Your Majesty, but there it is. One just cannot understand how it can have occurred.
Chancellor
The princess is a charming girl,
Tis’ writ in all the books.
Though folks may gawk and stare at her
You cannot fault her character,
Though you may find (I’m being kind)
Great fault within her looks!
Her nose is long and sharply pointed,
Even ‘tis somewhat disjointed,
Her eyes are small and shifty.
King Morph
I suppose.
Chancellor
Mother Nature must have spent
Great sums upon her merriment
But on her beauty Ma was bent
To be a bit too thrifty!
King Morph
Heaven knows! Heaven knows!
Both
At least she has personality,
And talents galore and versatility.
Chancellor
As a princess she is anything but beautiful and fair,
King Morph
But we’ve got to give her credit: she has very pleasant hair!
Both
As a princess she is anything but beautiful and fair,
But we’ve got to give her credit: she has hair!
Chancellor
The hair upon your daughter, Sire,
I’m forced to say is like barbed wire;
Her ears like cauliflower.
King Morph
That is true; that is true.
Chancellor
A cleft chin on a girl ne’er sells,
Nor puffy cheeks like bullfrog swells,
Likewise breath that always smells
Like milk that’s left to sour.
King Morph
What to do; what to do?
Both
At least she has personality,
And talents galore and versatility.
Chancellor
But granted, as of yet she hasn’t really reached her prime,
King Morph
There is room for some improvement if she’s given lots of time!
Both
But granted as of yet she hasn’t really reached her prime,
She’ll improve, just wait and see and give her time!
Chancellor
Time, my Lord, is ticking past her
And every year is ticking faster,
Faster all the while.
King Morph
Blasted time! Blasted time!
Chancellor
The girl, my Liege, is twenty-three,
Or, at least she soon will be,
And if on schedule, she should be
Walking up the aisle.
King Morph
Wedding chimes; Wedding chimes!
But I haven’t found a prince
Who wouldn’t choke or scream or wince
Or on compulsion have a convulsion
The moment that he glanced a trace
Of her un-redeeming face!
Both
At least she has personality,
And talents galore and versatility.
Chancellor
Admitted on the inside she is delicately primped,
King Morph
It’s just that on the outside someone made a poor attempt
Both
Yes, admitted on the inside she is delicately primped,
It’s just that on outside she’s a ch-- ch-- !
[On last chord poses like chimps!]
Chancellor
Well, at least, she does have great beauty of character.
King Morph
My dear Chancellor, we are not considering Her Royal Highness’s character, but her chances of getting married. You observe that there is a distinction.
Chancellor
Yes, Your Majesty.
King Morph
This doesn’t, of course, alter the fact that the Princess Camilla is quite the nicest person in the Kingdom.
Chancellor
(Enthusiastically) She is indeed, Your Majesty. [Hurriedly] With the exception, I need hardly say, of Your Majesty — and Her Majesty.
King Morph
Your exceptions are tolerated for their loyalty and condemned for their extreme fatuity.
Chancellor
Thank you, Your Majesty.
King Morph
As an adjective for your King, the word “nice” is ill-chosen. As an adjective for Her Majesty, it is — ill-chosen. [At which moment Her Majesty comes in. The King rises. The Chancellor puts himself at right angles.]
Queen Zazu
[Briskly] Ah. Talking about Camilla? [She sits down.]
King Morph
[Returning to his throne] As always, my dear, you are right.
Queen Zazu
[To Chancellor] This fellow, Simon — What’s he like?
Chancellor
Nobody has seen him, Your Majesty.
Queen Zazu
How old is he?
Chancellor
Five-and-twenty, I understand.
Queen Zazu
In twenty-five years he must have been seen by somebody.
King Morph
[To the Chancellor] Just a fleeting glimpse.
Chancellor
I meant, Your Majesty, that no detailed report of him has reached this country, save that he has the usual personal advantages and qualities expected of a Prince, and has been traveling in distant and dangerous lands.
Queen Zazu
Ah! Nothing gone wrong with his eyes? Sunstroke or anything?
Chancellor
Not that I am aware of, Your Majesty. At the same time, as I was venturing to say to His Majesty, Her Royal Highness’s character and disposition are so outstandingly —
Queen Zazu
Stuff and nonsense. You remember what happened when we had the Tournament of Love last year.
Chancellor
I was not myself present, Your Majesty. I had not then the honor of — I was abroad, and never heard the full story.
Queen Zazu
No, you were not there; it was the other fool.
Queen Zazu
The day all the suitors arrived on the day of the Tournament of Love,
They lined up on the field full of life, to pay homage to one sitting far above;
T’was the Princess in the bleachers overhead, whose appearance generated instant dread!
The Tournament plan was announced: every suitor shall attack, push and pounce;
The one remaining suitor would become the one to suit her.
The rivals readied on their mounts, all brave men by all accounts.
The heralds blew the trumpets, the signal for the fight,
They charged from all directions, up and down and left and right!
[King nonchalantly whistles; Queen stops the orchestra and speaks to King] Don’t do that.
King Morph
I’m sorry, my dear.
Chancellor
[After a long pause by the Queen]…and?
Queen Zazu
And? Let’s see…pounce, trumpets, charged, ah! [She starts the music]
They charged from all directions, up and down and left and right!
What did they do? As if on queue,
Every single one of them as if by hidden forces
Simultaneously claimed defeat by falling off their horses!
King Morph
One was not quite as fast and I was even quicker.
I collared him and brought him in
And then declared him victor.
Queen Zazu
At the Feast of Betrothal held that night—
King Morph
We all were very quick.
Queen Zazu
The Chancellor quickly explained, that though, fit as a fiddle,
The suitor had one more task to complete: to answer a simple riddle.
Chancellor
Such undoubtedly is the fact, Your Majesty.
King Morph
There are times for announcing facts, and
There are times for looking at things in a broad-minded way.
Please remember that, Chancellor.
Chancellor
Yes, Your Majesty.
Queen Zazu
I invented the riddle myself.
King Morph
All by herself.
Queen Zazu
Quite an easy one. What is it that has four legs and barks like a dog? [Chancellor looks confused] The answer is, “A dog.”
King Morph
[To Chancellor] You see that?
Chancellor
Yes, Your Majesty.
King Morph
It isn’t difficult.
Queen Zazu
He, however, seemed to find it so.
First he said an eagle. Then he said a serpent; a very high mountain with slippery sides; two peacocks; a moonlight night; the day after tomorrow —
King Morph
Nobody could accuse him of not trying.
Queen Zazu
I did.
King Morph
I should have said that nobody could fail to recognize in his attitude an appearance of doggedness.
Queen Zazu
Finally he said “Death.” I nudged the King —
King Morph
Accepting the word “nudge” for the moment, I rubbed my ankle with one hand, clapped him on the shoulder with the other, and congratulated him on the correct answer. He disappeared under the table, and I never saw him again.
Queen Zazu
His body was found in the moat next morning.
Chancellor
But what was he doing in the moat, Your Majesty?
King Morph
Bobbing about. Try not to ask needless questions.
Chancellor
It all seems so strange.
Queen Zazu
What does?
Chancellor
That Her Royal Highness, alone of all the Princesses one has ever heard of, should lack that invariable attribute of Royalty, supreme beauty. On the other hand, since my wife died so many years ago, I’m yet to find a woman who meets my standards, preferably a beautiful someone who can challenge my every moment with her intellectual superiority…
Queen Zazu
[To Chancellor] I think you just opened yourself up to half of the people in the kingdom.
Chancellor
[Not comprehending the insult] Why, thank you, Your Highness!
Queen Zazu
[To the King] Camilla’s beauty was taken away by your Great-Aunt Malkin. She came to the christening. She said—you remember what she said?
King Morph
It was cryptic. Great-Aunt Malkin’s besetting weakness. She came to my christening — she was one hundred and one then, and that was fifty-one years ago. [To Chancellor] How old would that make her? [Chancellor takes out an abacus and calculates.]
Chancellor
One hundred and fifty-two, Your Majesty.
King Morph
[After thought] About that, yes.
She promised me that when I grew up I should have all the happiness that my wife deserved. It struck me at the time — well, when I say “at the time,” I was only a week old — but it did strike me as soon as anything could strike me — I mean of that nature — well, work it out for yourself, Chancellor. It opens up a most interesting field of speculation. Though naturally I have not liked to go into it at all deeply with Her Majesty.
Queen Zazu
I never heard anything less cryptic. She was wishing you extreme happiness.
King Morph
I don’t think she was wishing me anything. However.
Chancellor
[To the Queen] But what, Your Majesty, did she wish Her Royal Highness?
Queen Zazu
Her other godmother — on my side — had promised her the dazzling beauty for which all the women in my family are famous — [She pauses, and the King snaps his fingers surreptitiously in the direction of the Chancellor.]
Chancellor
[Hurriedly] Indeed, yes, Your Majesty. [The King relaxes.]
Queen Zazu
And Great-Aunt Malkin said — [To the King] — what were the words?
King Morph
I give you with this kiss
A wedding-day surprise:
Where ignorance is bliss,
Tis folly to be wise.
Queen Zazu, Chancellor
She gave her with a kiss
A wedding-day surprise:
Where ignorance is bliss,
Tis folly to be wise.
King Morph
Where ignorance is bliss,
Tis folly to be wise.
King Morph, Queen Zazu, Chancellor
What mystery is this?
We simply can’t surmise;
The mark it seems to miss,
Though we try it on for size.
I give you with this kiss
A wedding-day surprise:
Where ignorance is bliss,
Tis folly to be wise.
King Morph
Where ignorance is bliss,
Tis folly to be wise.
I thought the last two lines rather neat. But what it meant —
Queen Zazu
We can all see what it meant. She was given beauty — and where is it? Great-Aunt Malkin took it away from her. The wedding-day surprise is that there will never be a wedding day.
King Morph
Young men being what they are, my dear, it would be much more surprising if there were a wedding day. So how — [tragedy-impending music sounds: two bars from Devork’s “New World;” opening bars from “Night on Bald Mountain;” the storm music from Rossini’s “William Tell Overture”]
Chancellor
King Morph, Queen Zazu, Princess Camilla approaches!
[The Chancellor hides behind the thrones X from the side of the Princess’ entrance. The Princess comes in. She is young, happy, healthy, but currently wearing a clay facial and a muumuu or robe, both hiding her beauty and figure; her hair may be in rollers or at least covered up in some sort of corresponding fashion.]
Princess Camilla
[To the Queen and King; tune from Stephon’s entrance from Iolanthe] Good morrow, dear mother! Dear father, good morrow! For I’m to be married… [Seeing the Chancellor; waves to the conductor to stop the music]
Oh, I say! Affairs of state? Sorry.
King Morph
[Holding out his hand] Don’t go, Camilla. [She takes his hand.]
Chancellor
Shall I withdraw, Your Majesty?
Queen Zazu
You are aware, Camilla, that Prince Simon arrives today?
Princess Camilla
He has arrived. They’re just letting down the drawbridge.
King Morph
[Jumping up] Arrived! I must —
Princess Camilla
My dear father, you know what the drawbridge is like. It takes at least half an hour to let it down.
King Morph
[Sitting down] It wants oil. [To the Chancellor] Have you been grudging it oil?
Princess Camilla
It wants a new drawbridge, darling.
Chancellor
Have I Your Majesty’s permission —
King Morph
Yes, yes. [The Chancellor bows and goes out.]
Queen Zazu
You’ve told him, of course? It’s our only chance.
King Morph
Er — no. I was just going to, when —
Queen Zazu
Then I’d better. [She goes to the door.] You can explain to the girl; I’ll have her sent to you. You’ve told Camilla?
King Morph
Er — no. I was just going to, when —
Queen Zazu
Then you’d better tell her now.
King Morph
My dear, are you sure —
Queen Zazu
It’s the only chance left. [Dramatically to heaven] My daughter! [She goes out. There is a little silence when she is gone.]
King Morph
Camilla, I want to talk seriously to you about marriage.
Princess Camilla
Yes, father.
King Morph
It is time you learned some of the facts of life.
Princess Camilla
Yes, father.
King Morph
Now the great fact about marriage is that once you’re married you will live happily ever after. All our history books affirm this.
Princess Camilla
And your personal experience, too.
King Morph
[With dignity] Let us confine ourselves to history for the moment.
Princess Camilla
Yes, father.
King Morph
Of course, there may be an exception here and there, which, as it were, proves the rule; just as — oh, well, never mind.
Princess Camilla
[Smiling] Go on, darling. You were going to say that an exception here and there proves the rule that all princesses are beautiful.
King Morph
Well — leave that for the moment. The point is that it doesn’t matter how you marry, or who you marry, as long as you get married. Because you’ll be happily ever after in any case. Do you follow me so far?
Princess Camilla
Yes, father.
King Morph
Well, your mother and I have a little plan —
Princess Camilla
Was that it, going out of the door just now?
King Morph
Er — yes. It concerns your waiting maid.
Princess Camilla
Darling, I have several.
King Morph
Only one that leaps to the eye, so to speak. The one with the — well, with everything.
Princess Camilla
Dulcibella?
King Morph
That’s the one.
It is our little plan that at the first meeting
She should be the one that Prince Simon will be greeting.
She’ll pass herself off as the Princess —
A harmless ruse, of which you’ll find
Frequent record in the history books.
She will then allure Prince Simon to his senses—
That is to say, to break down any fences —
In other words, the wedding will take place
As quietly immediately after,
And— well,
Naturally in view
Of the fact that your Aunt Malkin is one hundred and fifty-two;
And since you will be wearing the family bridal veil —
Which is no doubt how the custom arose —
The surprise after the marriage will be his.
Are you following me at all? Your attention seems to be wandering.
Princess Camilla
I was wondering why you needed to tell me.
King Morph
Just a precautionary measure, in case you happened to meet the Prince or his attendant before the ceremony; in which case, of course, you would pass yourself off as the maid —
Princess Camilla
A harmless ruse, of which, also,
You’ll find frequent record in the history books.
King Morph
Exactly. But the occasion need not arise.
[A Voice Announcing] The woman Dulcibella!
King Morph
Ah! [To the Princess] Now, Camilla, if you will just retire to your own apartments, I will come to you there when we are ready for the actual ceremony. [He leads her out as he is talking; and as he returns calls out.]
Come in, come in, my dear! [Dulcibella comes in. She is beautiful, but basically clueless.] Now don’t be frightened, there is nothing to be frightened about. Has Her Majesty told you what you have to do?
Dulcibella
Y-yes, Your Majesty.
King Morph
Well now, let’s see how well you can do it. You are sitting here, we will say. [He leads her to a seat.] Now imagine that I am Prince Simon. [He curls his moustache and puts his stomach in. She giggles.] You are the beautiful Princess Camilla whom he has never seen. [She giggles again.] This is a serious moment in your life, and you will find that a giggle will not be helpful. [He goes to the door.] I am announced: “His Royal Highness Prince Simon!” That’s me being announced. Remember what I said about giggling. You should have a far-away look upon your face. [She does her best.] Farther away than that. [She tries again.] No, no, that’s too far. You are sitting there, thinking beautiful thoughts — in maiden meditation, fancy-free, as I remember saying to Her Majesty once . . . speaking of somebody else . . . fancy-free, but with the mouth definitely shut — that’s better. I advance and fall upon one knee. [He eventually does so.] You extend your hand graciously — graciously; you’re not trying to push him in the face — that’s better, and I raise it to my lips — so — and I kiss it, [He kisses her hand.] and I say, “Your Royal Highness, this is the most — er — Your Royal Highness, I shall ever be — no — Your Royal Highness, it is the proudest—” Well, the point is that he will say it, and it will be something complimentary, and then he will take your hand in both of his, and press it to his heart. [He does so.] And then — what do you say?
Dulcibella
Coo!
King Morph
No, not Coo.
Dulcibella
Never had anyone do that to me before!
King Morph
That also strikes the wrong note. What you want to say is, “Oh, Prince Simon!” . . . Say it.
Dulcibella
[Loudly] Oh, Prince Simon!
King Morph
No, no. You do not need to shout until he has said “What?” two or three times. Always consider the possibility that he isn’t deaf. Softly, and giving the words a dying fall, letting them play around his head like a flight of doves: “Oh, Prince Simon!”
Dulcibella
[Still a little overloud] O-o-o-o-h, Prinsimon!
King Morph
Keep the idea in your mind of a flight of doves rather than a flight of panic-stricken elephants, and you will be all right. Now I’m going to get up and you must, as it were, guide me to a seat by your side. [She starts wafting.] Not rescuing a drowning man, that’s another idea altogether, useful at times, but at the moment inappropriate. Just a gentle guide. Prince Simon will put the necessary muscles into play — all you’re required to do is to indicate by a gracious movement of the hand the seat you require him to take. Now! [He gets up, a little stiffly, and sits next to her.] That’s better. Well, here we are. Now, I think you give me a look: something, let us say, half-way between a worshipful attitude and wild abandonment, with an undertone of regal dignity, touched, as it were, with good comradeship. Now try that. [She gives him a vacant look of bewilderment.] Frankly, that didn’t quite get it. There was just a little something missing. An absence, as it were, of all the qualities I asked for, and in their place an odd resemblance to an unsatisfied fish. Let us try to get at it another way. Dulcibella, have you a young man of your own?
Dulcibella
[Eagerly, seizing his hand] Oo, yes, he’s ever so smart, he’s a cook in the kitchen, well not as you might say a real cook, he’s an apprentice, but old Bottlenose, you know who I mean, your main chef, says the very next wedding my Egbert shall take his place, knowing Father and how it is with Eg and me, and me being maid to Her Royal Highness and can’t marry me till he’s a real cook, but ever so loving, and funny like, the things he says, I said to him once, “Eg,” I said — [King Morph puts a finger to her mouth.]
King Morph
You mean Egbert, the Chancellor’s son?
Dulcibella
Oh, yes, and so like his father, he —
King Morph
[Getting up and interrupting] I rather fancy, Dulcibella, that if you think of Eg all the time, say as little as possible, and, when thinking of Eg, see that the mouth is not more than partially open, you will do very well. I will show you where you are to sit and wait for His Royal Highness. [He leads her out. On the way he is singing] Now remember — gently guide — guide — not grab.
[She returns, glancing around to be sure no one sees her.]
How does one survive?
I’m a simple-minded woman.
Yet however I contrive
To be one who’s super-human
I fumble thoughts and words galore;
And often come across as a bore.
But,
I’m intrigued by quantum qualitation of my many mysteries,
Genome prototypes of latent vestibular histories.
Philosophic contemplations of Platonic implications
Melatonin-mediated constructs breeding simulations
And what is it all for?
Do I really need to say more?
All my thoughts that I would share
I really can’t I do not dare
My intellect if I laid bare
I’d be thrown out the door!
How does one survive?
I’ve a heart with love desiring.
Yet however I contrive
To entice one by conspiring
To be kind and supportive,
All my efforts are abortive.
But,
I can implement sudation protocol for diaphoresis,
Generate class actions using my Oxford doctoral thesis.
Epistemological and general philological
Be a source of wisdom, logic, and everything that’s prodigal!
And what is it all for?
Do I really need to say more?
All my thoughts that I would share
I really can’t I do not dare
My intellect if I laid bare
I’d be thrown out of the door!
If my thoughts I were to share
I’d really have to take a care.
I will not speak, I do not dare;
I’ve sung enough; no more!
[First ending, a defiant pose; second ending, exits in tears.]
[Dulcibella exits. Prince Simon wanders in from the back unannounced. He is a very ordinary-looking young man in rather dusty clothes. He gives a deep sigh of relief as he sinks into the King’s throne.]
Prince Simon
Ah, a chance to relax!
Long before I chanced to meet you,
I would dream alone,
And wake in joy to share the scenes I’ve seen of you.
When I woke with no one near me,
All my dreams gave way to madness!
How could I tell you:
One of my dreams, I long to share,
A giving of gladness to show our care.
One of my hopes, my heart’s desires,
A giving of receiving to show our care.
Once I traveled a lonely road;
How I missed you! Mystery that you are.
How could I love you,
Knowing not who you are?
[He stands] On my road I went strolling,
Then saw her standing by a stream.
At once my heart was beholding
The one within my dream!
We danced through blossoming flowers,
And watched butterflies take to flight.
We laughed and cried through the hours;
We shared our love in moonlight.
After I had chanced to meet you,
I awoke—alone.
Someday in sleep again we’ll meet and I will tell you:
One of our dreams, we long to share:
A giving of receiving as only love shall dare.
Once more, I’m traveling that lonely road;
Now I love you! (Though I know not who you are.) For
Someday you’ll find me,
And someday, someday, I will find you.
[He sits back down in a reclining position] One of my dreams… [On the song’s final chord he lets out a high-pitched sigh.]
[Princess Camilla, a new and strangely beautiful Camilla freed from her original beauty restraints, comes in.]
Princess Camilla
[Surprised] Well!
Prince Simon
Oh, hallo!
Princess Camilla
Ought you?
Prince Simon
[Getting up] Do sit down, won’t you?
Princess Camilla
Who are you, and how did you get here?
Prince Simon
Well, that’s rather a long story. Couldn’t we sit down? You could sit here if you like, but it isn’t very comfortable.
Princess Camilla
Thrones are not meant to be comfortable.
Prince Simon
Well, I don’t know if they’re meant to be, but they certainly aren’t.
Princess Camilla
Why were you sitting on the King’s Throne, and who are you?
Prince Simon
I am Prince Simon—‘s Lord High Chamberlain, Carlo.
Princess Camilla
I am Dulcibella.
Prince Simon
Good. And now couldn’t we sit down?
Princess Camilla
[Sitting down on the long seat to the left of the throne, and, as it were, wafting him to a place next to her] You may sit here, if you like. Why are you so tired? [He sits down.]
Prince Simon
I’ve been taking very strenuous exercise.
Princess Camilla
Is that part of the long story?
Prince Simon
It is.
Princess Camilla
[Settling herself] I love stories.
Prince Simon
This isn’t a story, really. As I said, I’m attendant on Prince Simon who is visiting here.
Princess Camilla
Oh? I’m attendant on Her Royal Highness.
Prince Simon
Then you know what he’s here for.
Princess Camilla
Yes.
Prince Simon
She is very beautiful, I hear.
Princess Camilla
Did you hear that? Where have you been lately?
Prince Simon
[When he speaks “traveling in distant lands,” the orchestra plays that short segment “from a distant land” from the opening number.]
Traveling in distant lands — with Prince Simon.
Princess Camilla
Ah! All the same, I don’t understand. Is Prince Simon in the Palace now? The drawbridge can’t be down yet!
Prince Simon
I don’t suppose it is. And what a noise it makes coming down!
Princess Camilla
Isn’t it terrible?
Prince Simon
I couldn’t stand it and just had to get away. That’s why I’m here.
Princess Camilla
But how?
Prince Simon
Well, there’s only one way, isn’t there? That beech tree, and then a swing and a grab for the battlements, and don’t ask me to remember it all — [He shudders.]
Princess Camilla
You mean you came across the moat by that beech tree?
Prince Simon
Yes. I got so tired of hanging about.
Princess Camilla
But it’s terribly dangerous!
Prince Simon
That’s why I’m so exhausted. Nervous shock. [He lies back and breathes loudly.]
Princess Camilla
Of course, it’s different for me.
Prince Simon
[Sitting up] Say that again. I must have heard you wrong.
Princess Camilla
It’s different for me, because I’m used to it. Besides, I’m so much lighter.
Prince Simon
You don’t mean that you —
Princess Camilla
Oh yes, often.
Prince Simon
And I thought I was a brave man! At least, I didn’t until five minutes ago, and now I don’t again.
Princess Camilla
Oh, but you are! And I think it’s wonderful to do it straight off the first time.
Prince Simon
Well, you did.
Princess Camilla
Oh no, not the first time. When I was a child.
Prince Simon
You mean that you crashed?
Princess Camilla
Well, you only fall into the moat.
Prince Simon
Only! Can you swim?
Princess Camilla
Of course!
Prince Simon
So you swam to the castle walls, and yelled for help, and they fished you out and punished you. And next day you tried again. Well, if that isn’t pluck —
Princess Camilla
Of course I didn’t. I swam back, and did it at once; I mean I tried again at once. It wasn’t until the third time that I actually did it. You see, I was afraid that I might lose my nerve.
Prince Simon
Afraid she might lose her nerve!
Princess Camilla
There’s also a way of getting over from this side; a tree grows out from the wall and you jump into another tree — I don’t think it’s quite so easy.
Prince Simon
Not quite so easy. Good. You must show me.
Princess Camilla
Oh, I will.
Prince Simon
Perhaps it might be as well if you first taught me how to swim. I’ve often heard about swimming but never —
Princess Camilla
You can’t swim?
Prince Simon
No. Don’t look so surprised. There are many, many other things that I can’t do, some better than others. I’ll tell you about them as soon as you have a couple of years to spare.
Princess Camilla
You can’t swim and yet you crossed by the beech tree! And you’re ever so much heavier than I am! Now who’s brave?
Prince Simon
[Getting up] You keep talking about how light you are. I must see if there’s anything to it. Stand up! [She stands obediently and he picks her up.] You’re right, Dulcibella. I could hold you here forever. [Looking at her] You’re very lovely. Do you know how lovely you are?
Princess Camilla
Yes. [She laughs suddenly and happily.]
Prince Simon
Why do you laugh?
Princess Camilla
Aren’t you tired of holding me?
Prince Simon
Frankly, yes. I exaggerated when I said I could hold you forever. When you’ve been hanging by the arms for ten minutes over a very deep moat, wondering if it’s too late to learn how to swim — [He puts her down.] — What I meant was that I should like to hold you forever. Why did you laugh?
Princess Camilla
Oh, well, it was a little private joke of mine.
Prince Simon
If it comes to that, I’ve got a private joke too.
Prince Simon and Princess Camilla
[After a pause] Let’s exchange them!
Princess Camilla
Mine’s very private. One other woman in the whole world knows, and that’s all.
Prince Simon
Mine’s just as private. One other man knows, and that’s all.
Princess Camilla
What fun! I love secrets. . . . Well, here’s mine.
When I was born, one of my godmothers promised that I should be very beautiful.
Prince Simon
How right she was.
Princess Camilla
But the other one said this:
I give you with this kiss
A wedding-day surprise.
Where ignorance is bliss
’Tis folly to be wise.
And nobody knew what it meant.
And I grew up very plain.
And then, when I was about ten,
I one day met my godmother in the forest glen.
It was my tenth birthday. Nobody knows this — except you.
Prince Simon
Except us.
Princess Camilla
Except us.
And she told me what her gift meant.
It meant that I was beautiful —
But everyone else would fail to notice,
And would think of me as plain,
Until my wedding day.
She said it was because
She didn’t want me
To grow up spoiled and willful and vain,
As I should have done
If all were always saying how beautiful I was;
And the best thing in the world, she said,
Was to be quite sure of yourself,
But not to expect admiration from other people.
So ever since then my mirror
Has told me I am beautiful,
And everyone else thinks me ugly,
And I get a lot of fun out of it!
Prince Simon
Well, seeing that Dulcibella is the result, I can only say that your godmother was very, very wise.
Princess Camilla
And now tell me your secret.
Prince Simon
It isn’t such a pretty one. You see,
King Ollie and Queen Isabel
Wanted their son to woo Princess Camilla,
And they’d heard that she was beautiful and haughty and imperious —
All you would have been if your godmother hadn’t been so wise.
And as he was ordinary-looking,
They were afraid she wouldn’t think much of him,
So they suggested that one of his attendants,
A man called Carlo, of extremely attractive appearance,
That he should pretend to be the Prince, and win the Princess’s hand;
And then at the last moment they would change places —
Princess Camilla
How would they do that?
Prince Simon
The Prince was going to have been married in full armor — with his visor down.
Princess Camilla
[Laughing happily] Oh, what fun!
Prince Simon
Neat, isn’t it?
Princess Camilla
[Laughing] Oh, very . . . very . . . very.
Prince Simon
Neat, but not so terribly funny. Why do you keep laughing?
Princess Camilla
Well, that’s another secret.
Prince Simon
If it comes to that, I’ve got another one up my sleeve. Shall we exchange again?
Princess Camilla
All right. You go first this time.
Prince Simon
Very well. . . .
When circumstances take the stage
And nuances are all the rage
While all the world is dancing
And the princess is prancing
And would hope to be engaged
So her life would turn a page
A prince would try to gather near
Despite enduring dreadful fear
His looks or else his age
Might entrap him in a cage
And if his features notwithstanding
Generate misunderstanding
How would he cope,
With little hope
To keep from seeming like a dope
And much more like a sage!
So!
Prince Simon, Princess Camilla
When circumstances take the stage
And nuances are all the rage
While all the world is dancing
And the princess is prancing
And would hope to be engaged
So her life would turn a page
A prince would try to gather near
Despite enduring dreadful fear
His looks or else his age
Might entrap him in a cage
And if his features notwithstanding
Generate misunderstanding
Prince Simon
Here’s how I cope,
With much more hope
To tell you now the real dope
It doesn’t take a sage!
I am not Carlo. [Standing up and speaking dramatically] I am Prince Simon! — Ow! [He sits down and rubs his leg violently.]
Princess Camilla
[Alarmed] What is it?
Prince Simon
Cramp. [ln a mild voice, still rubbing] I was saying that I was Prince Simon.
Princess Camilla
Shall I rub it for you? [She rubs.]
Prince Simon
[Still hopefully] I am Simon.
Princess Camilla
Is that better?
Prince Simon
[Despairingly] I am Simon.
Princess Camilla
I know.
Prince Simon
How did you know?
Princess Camilla
Well, you told me.
Prince Simon
But oughtn’t you to swoon or something?
Princess Camilla
Why? History records many similar ruses.
Prince Simon
[Amazed] Is that so? I’ve never read history. I thought I was being profoundly original.
Princess Camilla
Oh, no! Now I’ll tell you my secret:
When circumstances take the stage
And nuances are all the rage
While all the world is dancing
And the prince he is prancing
And would hope to be engaged
So his life would turn a page
A princess tries to gather near
Despite enduring dreadful fear
Her looks or else her age
Might entrap her in a cage
And if her features notwithstanding
Generate misunderstanding
How would she cope,
With little hope
To keep from seeming like a dope
And much more like a sage!
So!
Princess Camilla. Prince Simon
When circumstances take the stage
And nuances are all the rage
While all the world is dancing
And the prince he is/princess she is prancing
And would hope to be engaged
So her/his life would turn a page
A princess tries/A prince would try to gather near
Despite enduring dreadful fear
Her/His looks or else her/his age
Might entrap her/him in a cage
And if her/his features notwithstanding
Generate misunderstanding
Princess Camilla
Here’s how I cope,
With much more hope
To tell you now the real dope
It doesn’t take a sage!
For reasons very much like your own, the Princess Camilla, who is held to be extremely plain, feared to meet Prince Simon. Is the drawbridge down yet?
Prince Simon
Do your people give a faint, surprised cheer every time it gets down?
Princess Camilla
Naturally.
Prince Simon
Then it came down about three minutes ago.
Princess Camilla
Ah! Then at this very moment your man Carlo is declaring his passionate love for my maid, Dulcibella. That, I think, is funny. [So does the Prince. They laugh heartily.]
Princess Camilla, Prince Simon
When circumstances take the stage
And nuances are all the rage
While all the world is dancing
And royalty is prancing
And would hope to be engaged
So their lives would turn a page
A princess tries/A prince would try to gather near
Despite enduring dreadful fear
Her/His looks or else her/his age
Might entrap her/him in a cage
And if her/his features notwithstanding
Generate misunderstanding
Now here’s how we cope,
We both have much more hope
We even could elope
And be married by a sage!
We both have much more hope
Ah! Ah! Ah!
We even could elope
And be married by a sage!
Princess Camilla
Dulcibella, by the way, is in love with a man she calls Eg, so I hope Carlo isn’t getting carried away.
Prince Simon
Carlo is dating someone he calls “the little woman,” so Eg has nothing to fear.
Princess Camilla
By the way, I don’t know if you heard, but I said, or as good as said, that I am the Princess Camilla.
Prince Simon
I wasn’t surprised. History, of which I read a great deal, records many similar ruses.
Princess Camilla
[Laughing] Simon!
Prince Simon
[Laughing] Camilla! [He stands up.] May I try holding you again? [She nods. He takes her in his arms and kisses her.] Ah, my dear Camilla!
Princess Camilla
You see, when you lifted me up before, you said, “You’re very lovely,” and my godmother said that the first person to whom I would seem lovely was the man I should marry; so I knew then that you were Simon and I should marry you.
Prince Simon
I knew as soon as I got to know you that I should marry you, even if you were Dulcibella. By the way, which of you am I marrying?
Princess Camilla
When she lifts her veil, it will be Camilla. Until then it will be Dulcibella.
Prince Simon
When I see the beauty of a flower all aglow,
No waiting needed to feel its deep love flow.
Love at first sight embraces me;
Love, day and night, graces me!
No rose or daffodil or lily holds me so
As does the sweet Camilla that I now know.
Princess Camilla
When I see the beauty of a flowering tree
I can feel its deep love flow to me
Love at first sight, my gentle prince,
Love, day and night, the best of scents!
No redwood, pine, or aspen holds me so
As does the wondrous Simon that I now know.
Prince Simon, Princess Camilla
No tree or flower has the love that holds me so
As does the sweet Camilla/wondrous Simon that I now know.
[Voices are heard offstage.]
Chorus
The Princess soon will be a bride, let the revelry commence.
Princess Camilla and Prince Simon
Ah!
Chorus
Hear us croon with joy and pride for Camilla and the Prince,
Camilla and the Prince!
Prince Simon
[In a whisper] Then adieu, Camilla, until you lift your veil.
Princess Camilla
Adieu, Simon, until you raise your visor.
Princess Camilla and Prince Simon
Adieu! Adieu![They move backward to exit opposite wings, Simon SR; Camilla SL.]
[Their exit is interrupted as King Morph, and Queen Zazu, arm-in-arm, enter SL, blocking Camilla’s exit; King Ollie and Queen Isabel also arm-in-arm, followed by Carlo and Dulcibella also arm-in-arm, enter SR, similarly blocking Simon’s exit. The Chancellor, walking backwards, at a loyal angle, precedes King Morph and Queen Zazu. They are all followed by members of the royal court.]
Ensemble
Stream the streamers hang the banners, pluck the lyre, fill the cup!
We are dreamers, With good manners, first the wedding, then we sup!
We are dreamers, With good manners, first the wedding, then we sup!
The Princess soon will be a bride, let the revelry commence.
Hear us croon with joy and pride for Camilla and the Prince, Camilla and the Prince!
King Ollie, Queen Isabel
Many, many years we have toiled To find a bride our son could keep.
Oft the fears Of being foiled Had robbed us of our nightly sleep;
Oft the fears of being foiled Had robbed us of our nightly sleep!
Yesterday when we were told Camilla’s in this neighboring land
We came today (We are quite bold) To claim Camilla’s lovely hand, Camila’s lovely hand.
Prince Simon
[Supporting the Chancellor as an accident seems inevitable] Careful! [The Chancellor turns indignantly round.]
King Morph
Who and what is this? More accurately who and what are all these?
Carlo
My attendant, Carlo, Your Majesty. He will, with Your Majesty’s permission, prepare me for the ceremony. [Prince Simon bows.]
King Morph
Of course, of course!
Queen Zazu
[To Dulcibella] Your maid, Dulcibella, is it not, my love? [Dulcibella nods violently.] I thought so. [To Carlo] She will prepare Her Royal Highness. [The Princess curtsies.]
King Morph
Ah, yes. Yes. Most important.
Princess Camilla
[Curtsying] I beg pardon, Your Majesty, if I’ve done wrong, but I found the gentleman wandering —
King Morph
[Crossing to her] Quite right, my dear, quite right. [He pinches her cheek, and takes advantage of this Kingly gesture to say in a loud whisper] We’ve pulled it off! [They sit down; King Morph and Queen Zazu on their thrones, Dulcibella on the Princess’s throne. Carlo stands behind Dulcibella, the Chancellor to the right of Queen Zazu, and Prince Simon and Princess Camilla behind the long seat on the left.]
Chancellor
[Consulting documents] H’r’m! Have I Your Majesty’s authority to put the final test to His Royal Highness?
Queen Zazu
[Whispering to King] Is this safe?
King Morph
[Whispering] Perfectly, my dear. I told him the answer a minute ago. [Over his shoulder to Carlo] Don’t forget, Dog. [Aloud] Proceed, Your Excellency. It is my desire that the affairs of my country should ever be conducted in a strictly constitutional manner.
Chancellor
[Oratorically, referring to his documents] By the constitution of the country,
If a suitor seeks Her Royal hand
He cannot be deemed successful
until he has given the correct answer to a riddle. [Conversationally] The last suitor answered incorrectly, and thus failed to win his bride.
King Morph
By a coincidence he fell into the moat.
Chancellor
[To Carlo] I have now to ask Your Royal Highness if you are prepared for the ordeal?
Carlo
[Cheerfully] Absolutely.
Chancellor
I may mention, as a matter, possibly, of some slight historical interest to our visitors, that by the constitution of the country the same riddle is not allowed to be asked on two successive occasions.
King Morph
[Startled] What’s that?
Chancellor
This one, it is interesting to recall, was propounded exactly a century ago, and we must take it as a fortunate omen that it was well and truly solved.
King Morph
[To Queen Zazu] I may want my sword directly.
Chancellor
The riddle is this. What is it that has four legs and meows like a cat?
Carlo
[Promptly] A dog.
King Morph
[Still more promptly] Bravo, bravo! [He claps loudly and nudges Queen Zazu, who claps too. At the same time, King Ollie and Queen Isabel glance at each other incredulously, then also clap.]
Chancellor
[Peering at his documents] According to the records of the occasion to which I referred, the correct answer would seem to be —
Princess Camilla
[To Prince Simon] Say something, quick!
Chancellor
— not dog, but —
Prince Simon
Your Majesty, have I permission to speak? Naturally His Royal Highness could not think of justifying himself on such an occasion, but I think that with Your Majesty’s gracious permission, I could —
King Morph
Certainly, certainly.
Prince Simon
In our country, we have an animal
To which we have given the name “dog,”
Some in the districts in the mountains,
In their local dialect say “doggie.”
It sits by the fireside and purrs.
Carlo
That’s right. It purrs like anything.
Prince Simon
When it needs milk, which is its staple food, it meows.
Carlo
[Enthusiastically] Meows like nobody’s business.
Prince Simon
It also has four legs.
Carlo
One at each corner.
Prince Simon
In some countries, as I understand,
This animal is sometimes called a “cat.”
In one distant country
Where His Highness and I went,
It was called by the very curious name
Of “hippopotamus.”
Carlo
That’s right. [To Prince Simon]
Do you remember
That ginger-colored hippopotamus
Which used to climb on to my shoulder
And lick my ear?
Prince Simon
I shall never forget it, sir. [To King Morph] So you see, Your Majesty —
King Morph
Thank you. I think that makes it perfectly clear. [Firmly to the Chancellor] You are about to agree?
Chancellor
Undoubtedly, Your Majesty. May I be the first to congratulate His Royal Highness on solving the riddle so accurately?
King Morph
You may be the first to see that all is in order for an immediate wedding.
Chancellor
Thank you, Your Majesty. [He bows and withdraws.]
[King Morph rises, as do Queen Zazu, Dulcibella, and King Ollie and Queen Isabel.]
King Morph
[To Carlo] Doubtless, Prince Simon, you will wish to retire and prepare yourself for the ceremony.
Carlo
Thank you, sir.
King Ollie
[To Prince Simon] Son—young sir, you will attend to the prince?
Prince Simon
Have I Your Majesty’s permission to attend His Royal Highness? It is the custom of his country for Princes of the royal blood to be married in full armor, a matter that requires a certain adjustment —
King Morph
Of course, of course. [Carlo bows to King Morph and Queen Zazu and goes out, accompanied by King Ollie and Queen Isabel. As Prince Simon is about to follow, King Morph stops him.] Young man, you have a quality of quickness which I admire. It is my pleasure to reward it in any way which commends itself to you.
Prince Simon
Your Majesty is ever gracious. May I ask for my reward after the ceremony? [He catches the eye of Princess Camilla, and they give each other a secret smile.]
King Morph
Certainly. [Prince Simon bows and goes out. To Dulcibella] Now, young woman, make yourself scarce. You’ve done your work excellently, and we will see that you and your — what was his name?
Dulcibella
Eg, Your Majesty.
King Morph
— that you and your Eg are not forgotten. I will see to it that you both are well done.
Dulcibella
Coo! [She curtsies and goes out.]
Princess Camilla
[Calling] Wait for me, Dulcibella!
King Morph
[To Queen Zazu] Well, my dear, we may congratulate ourselves. As I remember saying to somebody once, “You have not lost a daughter, you have gained a son.” How does he strike you?
Queen Zazu
Stupid.
King Morph
They made a very handsome pair, I thought, he and Dulcibella.
Queen Zazu
Both stupid.
King Morph
I said nothing about stupidity. What I said was that they were both extremely handsome. That is the important thing. [Struck by a sudden idea] Or isn’t it?
Queen Zazu
What do you think of Prince Simon, Camilla?
Princess Camilla
I adore him. We shall be so happy together.
King Morph
Well, of course you will. I told you so. Happily ever after.
Queen Zazu
Run along now and get ready.
Princess Camilla
Yes, mother. [She throws a kiss to them and goes out.]
King Morph
[Anxiously] My dear, have we been wrong about Camilla all this time? It seemed to me that she wasn’t looking quite so plain as usual just now. Did you notice anything?
Queen Zazu
[Carelessly] Just the excitement of the marriage.
King Morph
[Relieved] Ah, yes, that would account for it. [King Ollie and Queen Isabel reenter.]
Queen Isabel
I do think things are progressing splendidly, don’t you, my love?
King Ollie
Ah, yes, wonderful, wonderful! The princess is quite beautiful, and so, and so…
Queen Isabel
…so princess-like. Don’t you agree, my love?
King Ollie
Oh, yes, so many characteristics one desires in a princess. Coo!
King Morph
Well, we will soon have the royal wedding, just as soon as our lovely, lovely children are ready.
Queen Zazu
And they are so lovely, aren’t they?
King Ollie
This is indeed a marvelous enterprise in which we all are taking!
King Morph
Step by step we’ve planned this day
Queen Zazu
To have our way,
Kings and Queens
To have our way!
King Ollie
Mystic magic in our land
Queen Isabel
Goes hand in hand,
Kings and Queens
Goes hand in hand!
Queen Zazu
Royalty is a wondrous plus
King Morph
With little fuss,
Kings and Queens
With little fuss.
Queen Isabel
Prince and princess wed today;
King Ollie
No more to say,
Kings and Queens
No more to say!
Ours is a marvelous enterprise
Joining together in fa la la la la!
Our success is no surprise;
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Chimes will be ringing loud and clear,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Choruses will sing for all to hear:
Fa la la la la, fa la la la la, la la la!
Step by step we’ve planned this day
To have our way,
To have our way!
Mystic magic in our land
Goes hand in hand,
Goes hand in hand!
Royalty is a wondrous plus
With little fuss,
With little fuss.
Prince and princess wed today;
No more to say,
No more to say!
King Ollie
No more to say!
[Poses as if at end of song; others coax him to continue.]
Cymbals crash and the horns do sound
Queen Isabel
So turn around;
Kings and Queens
So turn around!
Queen Zazu
Hours from now is a happy scene
King Morph
For King and Queen;
Kings and Queens
For King and Queen!
Queen Zazu
Royalty is a wondrous life
King Morph
With little strife;
Kings and Queens
With little strife!
Queen Isabel
Finally, we have our way
King Ollie
No more to say;
Kings and Queens
No more to say!
Ours is a marvelous enterprise
Joining together in fa la la la la!
Our success is no surprise;
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Chimes will be ringing loud and clear,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Choruses will sing for all to hear:
Fa la la la la, fa la la la la, la la la!
[All look ready to sing another verse; they sing the last bar and pose on last note.]
Fa la la!
[Chancellor and Eg enter.]
King Morph
Ah, our Chancellor and his son Egbert, our royal chef, who will be assisting in the preparation of tonight’s feast.
Eg
Your majesty. Your majesty. Your majesty. Your majesty.
Chancellor
He’s still a bit new to the idea of royalty.
Queen Zazu
[Glares at Chancellor] Runs in the family.
Chancellor
We wish to inquire of Your Highnesses if there are any special requests for the feast and festivities.
King Ollie
I’m sure whatever you prepare will exceed our expectations.
Queen Zazu
Possibly ours, too.
King Morph
We will leave all in your competent hands. I’m sure the moat provides ample protection and incentive. [to the royalty] Let us now to our royal chambers to prepare ourselves for the wedding. [Kings and Queens exit.]
Eg
I am so looking forward to preparing a most wonderful feast!
Chancellor
Ah, I was hoping the kitchen would allow me to prepare for this occasion.
Eg
Sorry, Dad, although you’ve been a wonderful father, I would be shirking my duty if I allowed you to have a hand in the cooking.
Chancellor
Very well. Then I’ll attend to the drawbridge and the guests. Possibly in that order! [he starts to exit; held back by Egbert]
Eg
Please; let me explain:
Whenever I would need some aid or slipped into a bind
And hopes decayed and dollars fade as payments fell behind;
I’d seek for one whose income he could slip me in a clutch:
“It’s all I had!” cried dear old Dad; I said “Thank you very much!”
I thank you very much; I thank you very much!
Let the thought of all I owe you
Be the thing that will console you;
Thank you very much; I thank you very much!
I thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,
Thank you very much; thank you very much,
Very much, very much, very much!
[Chancellor exits]
When I would need lovelorn advice ‘twas Dad who heard my pleas,
And told me of the germs and mice but never ‘birds or bees!’
You thought ‘twas sports that injured me and set me on a crutch;
But ‘twas advice she could not see; and for that (?) I thank you very much!
I thank you very much; I thank you very much!
An octave higher my voice is singing
As your advice it still is stinging,
Thank you very much; I thank you very much!
I thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,
Thank you very much; thank you very much,
Very much, very much, very much!
To market his new taste appeal, he turned upon the range
And gastrotomitized a meal—oh, how his song did change!:
Aria: The Nitemare
How would you have me to prepare your quince
Shall it be medium rare or well done
Would you care for your taro to be mushy or tense
Shall I serve twenty plantains or one
The hazel-nut Brazil-nut rhubarb soufflé
Will highlight this evening’s affair
For the sorrel and capers pudding today
Won’t fry well with prickly pear
For salads I’m thinking of licorice and green beans
And tangerines, kumquats and lime
Shall I put in some rice, French-fried kidneys of lice
Cardamom, ginger and thyme
For lettuce I’ll gettuce some endive and chicory
Escarole, Boston and head
Some oyster plant salsify ought well to satisfy—
But then you should see the bread!
With rye wheat and melon (I’m sorry, it fell in)
After all it’s the Yeast I could do
I’ll throw in some lentils a handful of pintos
And some freshly cut sprouts of bamboo
I’ll serve navy beans lima beans kidney beans stringy beans
Soy beans and black eyed peas, too
I’ll serve Jackie beans Tonka beans pinto beans carob beans—
I really don’t know beans, do you?
For dessert I’ll be very unkind to the berry
And season it with kosher ham
And shall top the gut with a fresh lichee nut
Embedded in hot peppered yam
But when its all over we’re still not in clover
If Dad’s appetite we could but squelch—
We gasp as we sing and the rafters doth ring
And resound with his fore and aft belch!
And so we all are cooks tonight and claim the gourmet touch;
You therefore need not cook tonight—and for that we thank you very much!
We thank you very much; we thank you very much!
Your salads I’ve rejected
‘Cause with sardines they’re injected
But I thank you very much; we thank you very much!
We thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,
Thank you very much; thank you very much,
Very much, very much, very much!
I thank you very much; we thank you very much!
Your meals we have to question
As they cause great indigestion
[Chancellor enters holding an apron]
But I thank you very much; we thank you very much!
We thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,
[Eg guides Chancellor toward wing]
Thank you very much; thank you very much,
Very much, very much, very much!
[One last nudge sends Chancellor off stage]
[Dulcibella enters, enraptured with Eg, who definitely does not return the affection.]
[to himself] Ah, speaking of nightmares…
Dulcibella
Eggy, my darling!
Eg
Dulcibella, I’ve told you not to call me that! But aren’t you supposed to be in Camilla’s chambers? What if anyone should see you?
Dulcibella
But I just had to see you! Isn’t it wonderful? The princess is finally going to be married! I do think marriage is such a wonderful thing, don’t you?
Eg
For the right people, yes.
Dulcibella
Then what about us?
Eg
I said for the right people.
An apple growing on a tree
Decided that his life could be
Better still. If only he
Could find a partner apple.
Dulcibella
That apple growing on a tree
Could find a way so life would be
Better still. If only he
Could make a partner happle. [pause; spoken] (happen.)
Eg
[suddenly understands] Oh!
Dulcibella
Then came an orange sat by his side
Was feeling very satisfied
She was the one for life’s long ride
If he could but love an orange.
Eg
But she was not the apple’s choice
In spite of her enticing voice
Incessant cooing was her noice
[dismayed] My gosh, there is no rhyme for orange!
Dulcibella
Silly boy! Now you should know
The place where fungus spores do grow
Botanically it rhymes just so
Its singular is called a sporange!
Eg
Dulcibella, I could cry
I’m really such a simple guy!
You’re far too bright and that is why
I simply cannot date you.
Dulcibella
Eggy, dear, that saddens me
I try to hide my brilliancy!
But as that doesn’t work, I see
I’ll have to try something new!
Eg, Dulcibella
Love, love is quite an affair;
Trouble exists for us as a pair!
The problem is: we try to dare
Comparing apples to oranges!
Eg
I’d better get to the kitchen; I have quite a feast to prepare.
Dulcibella
And I’ve been remiss in attending to Her Highness. I’d best return to her chamber. [They exit.]
[Townspeople enter in anticipation of the wedding.]
Townspeople
Hail, hail Her Majesty, Princess Camilla!
She has finally met a nice fella!
Our King and Queen, held in good stead
Have put us first to help us get ahead!
Hail, Her Majesty, hail our King and Queen!
Among the wondrous facts is we never need pay taxes!
Hail, Her Majesty, hail our Royalty!
After the wedding, when all is done and said,
After the wedding, we will all be fed!
After the wedding, we will all be fed!
[The Kings and Queens with their royal entourages enter.]
Kings and Queens
Hail, Hail Her Majesty/His Majesty, Princess Camilla/Prince Simon!
She/He has finally met a nice fella/woman!
Our lovely Kings/Our handsome Queens
So good in bed,
Have put us first to help them get ahead!
[To the opposite King and Queen]
You, dear Royalty, we hold in good stead;
Now our children will both soon be wed;
Now our children will both soon be wed!
[The entrance of veil-wearing Princess Camilla and armor-wearing Prince Simon, escorted by the Chancellor. Carlo and Dulcibella surreptitiously enter joining the townspeople and are modestly disguised.]
Townspeople, entourages, Kings and Queens
[Kings and Queens simultaneously repeat their words.]
Hail, hail, Their Majesties, Princess and Prince!
Those two together truly makes sense!
Hail, Her/His Majesty, hail our/your King and Queen!
Among the wondrous facts is we never need pay/collect taxes!
Hail, Your Majesties, we hold you in good stead;/You, dear Royalty, we hold in good stead;
After the wedding, when all is done and said,
After the wedding, we will all be fed;/Now our children will both soon be wed;
After the wedding, we will all be fed!/Now our children will both soon be wed!
Huzzah, Huzzah, Huzzah!
[The wedding party moves into their positions.]
Chancellor
We gather here to share your loving bliss;
The final vows sealed with a loving kiss.
Hold each other’s hands so we may bind
Two hearts, two souls with ribbons and with twine.
[Kings and Queens solemnly wrap the held hands with ribbons, as in a handfasting ceremony.]
Do you, Prince Simon, swear by peace and love to stand
With Camilla, heart to heart and hand to hand?
Prince Simon
I do.
Townspeople, entourages, Kings and Queens
He do!
Chancellor
Do you, Camilla, swear by peace and love to stand [This is a common Irish vow of unity.]
With Prince Simon, heart to heart and hand to hand?
Princess Camilla
I do.
Townspeople, entourages, Kings and Queens
She do!
Prince Simon, Princess Camilla
We swear by peace and love to stand,
Heart to heart and hand to hand.
Mark, O Spirit, and hear us now,
Confirming this our Sacred Vow;
Prince Simon, Princess Camilla, Ensemble
Mark, O Spirit, and hear us/them now,
Confirming this our/their Sacred Vow.
Chancellor
The final act to join you two in bliss
You now must seal the vows with a kiss.
[Kings and Queens remove the ribbons from Princess Camilla and Prince Simon who then simultaneously remove the vail and head armor. The Kings and Queens react with anger.]
Kings and Queens
What? [To opposite royalty.]You deceived me!
King Ollie, Queen Isabel
Who is that waif?
King Morph, Queen Zazu
Who is that whelp?
Townspeople, Entourage
What has happened? Why this anger?
Kings and Queens
You deceived us, you deceived us!
Prince Simon
Please, I can explain…
King Morph, Queen Zazu
Not a word, not a word!
Princess Camilla
Then let me explain…
King Ollie, Queen Isabel
Not a word, not a word!
Carlo, Dulcibella
[They emerge from the crowd.]
Perhaps we can explain…
Kings, Queens
Fraudster! Charlatan! Not a word, not a word, not a word!
Chancellor
I can see what happened here, I can make it very clear…
Kings, Queens
Not a word, not a word! Especially from you, not a word!
Townspeople, Entourage
What’s the problem? Aren’t they getting married?
King Morph, Queen Zazu
This has got to,
King Ollie, Queen Isabel
this has got to,
Kings and Queens
this has got to end!
Kings and Queens
[Shouting at each other]
You dared create a deception
Far, far beyond our conception;
How could you do such a thing?
What kind of good could it bring?
Our child will not become wed
To a person with thoughts in her/his head
Of lying deception, contrivance, malfeasance and crime;
We’re glad that we caught it and just in the nick of time!
Townspeople, Entourage
Their children will not become wed
Each one has a thought in their head
Of lying deception, contrivance, malfeasance and crime;
We’re glad that they caught it and just in the nick of time!
[All freeze except Simon and Camilla who move downstage]
Prince Simon, Princess Camilla
Oh, unhappy day! Is my love lost forever?
What can we say? Is it truly now or never?
Prince Simon/Princess Camilla, will I ever see you again?
We wished for a happy beginning, but now it is just a sad end.
[Carlo and Dulcibella move downstage.]
Carlo, Dulcibella
What have I done? My friend that I have cared for,
What have I won? My heart is wounded to the core.
Will they ever see each other again?
We wished for a happy beginning, but now it is just a sad end.
Kings and Queens
How could you do such a thing?
What kind of good could it bring?
Chancellor
I know of the deeds that entail;
But my efforts are to no avail.
The facts are full of congestion,
And leave me with great indigestion.
I would try, but I’m doomed to fail;
I would try, but I’m doomed to fail!
Townspeople, Entourage
Their children will not become wed
To ones with such thoughts in their head…
[Nonet and Ensemble]
Prince Simon, Princess Camilla
Oh, unhappy day! Is my love lost forever?
What can we say? Is it truly now or never?
Carlo, Dulcibella
What have I done? What have we won?
Townspeople, Entourage
Is their love lost forever?
Chancellor
I know of the deeds that entail;
Carlo, Dulcibella
My heart is wounded to the core.
Prince Simon, Princess Camilla
Prince Simon/Princess Camilla, will I ever see you again?
Chancellor
And me with great indigestion!
Prince Simon, Princess Camilla, Carlo, Dulcibella
We wished for a happy beginning, but now it is just a sad end.
Chancellor
I’ll try, but I’m doomed to fail!
Chorus
Oh, unhappy day! Is my love lost forever?
What can we say? Is it truly now or never?
Prince Simon/Princess Camilla, will I ever see you again?
We wished for a happy beginning, but now it is just a sad end.
Princess Camilla
I’ve lost my love forever!
Queen Isabel
You dared create a deception!
Prince Simon
All hope is gone.
Queen Zazu
Far, far beyond our conception!
Carlo, Dulcibella
What have we done?
Chancellor
I’d try to tell what happened, but I know that I would fail!
Princess Camilla
Simon!
Prince Simon
Camilla!
King Ollie
How could you do such a thing?
King Morph
What kind of good could it bring?
Prince Simon, Princess Camilla, Carlo, Dulcibella
We wished for a happy beginning, but now it is just a sad end.
Chancellor
I’ll try but I’m doomed to fail!
Kings, Queens
We’re glad that we caught it
Kings, Queens, Chorus
and just in the nick of time!
[Eg enters, dressed as a chef, carrying a tray of food.]
Eg
A glorious feast is ready! Everyone come and (get it!)
Ensemble
Out, out! Get out, nor mock us! Out, out! Get out! You shock us! [Eg panics, drops the tray of food and runs offstage.]
King Morph, Queen Zazu
Come Camilla, it’s time to get away from this pile of metal rubbish!
Princess Camilla
But Mom, Dad…
King Morph, Queen Zazu
Come, now!
King Ollie, Queen Isabel
Come Simon, it’s time to get away from this moat scum!
Prince Simon
But Mom, Dad…
King Ollie, Queen Isabel
Come, now!
[They move to exit opposite stage sides, but Princess Camilla and Prince Simon briefly hold them back, but are forced to leave, and the curtain falls as some pick up food from the fallen tray to eat.]
The Ugly Duckling
or
Beauty is in the Aye of the Beholder
The Throne Room. It has the appearance of the remnants of a wild party that got badly out of control. Princess Camilla is pondering her sudden gain and loss of love.
Princess Camilla
Ah, sadness. Ah, misery! How could my father and my mother do this to me?
What thoughts do I have to contain me?
There is no hope left to sustain me.
I must find some words to entertain me:
Sweet, sweet Simon, my gift from the gods has been taken away.
How can I find him? And if perchance I do, what would he have to say?
We talked of flowers; we talked of trees. We even shot a gentle breeze.
Sweet, sweet Simon, forgive if I let go this saddened tone;
To survive I must laugh even though I’m alone.
Ha, ha ha ha ha; ha, ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha, ha ha ha ha; ha, ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Prince Simon
[Heard from outside the window.] Sweet, dear Camilla,
Princess Camilla
Coo!
Prince Simon
Your gift from the gods is returning to you!
How can I find you? And if perchance I do, what would I have to say?
Let’s talk of flowers; let’s talk of trees. I’ll even kneel on my knees.
Sweet, dear Camilla, I pray you let go of your saddened tone;
Together forever we’ll weather whatever and never again be alone.
Prince Simon, Princess Camilla
Sweet, dear Camilla,/Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Soon we’ll be together!/ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Heart and soul and/Ah, ah, ah, ah, /hand in hand we will a-
Way to our home as one. We will away, [he enters, they join hands.]
Heart and soul; hand in hand, we as one:
Ah! We as one! [they embrace.]
Princess Camilla
I was afraid I would never see you again!
Prince Simon
We were locked in the guest chambers; I sneaked out the window.
Princess Camilla
Oh, again you are so—injured! How did you get that scratch?
Prince Simon
I found the other two trees you mentioned. You were right, it’s not as easy as the beech tree.
Princess Camilla
Well, anyway, you’re here, and I never want us to be apart ever again!
[A loud rumbling is heard.]
Prince Simon
What’s that?
Princess Camilla
Oh my god, they’re raising the drawbridge; we’ll be trapped!
Prince Simon
Is there any way we can open it ourselves?
Princess Camilla
You’ve heard it before—there’s no way it could open without father and mother hearing it; they’d catch us for sure.
[Enter Dulcibella, Carlo, and Eg; they are carrying platters of food.]
Eg
We thought you might be hungry.
Carlo
Sire, how did you get here?
Dulcibella
And does the Princess know you’re here? Oh.
Princess Camilla, Prince Simon
You must help us!
Princess Camilla
We are truly in love, and don’t wish to ever be separated again, even if we have to defy our royal parents.
Prince Simon
We need some way to escape; they’re closing the drawbridge.
Princess Camilla
If we lower it again, my parents could not possibly not hear it and will suspect something was up.
Prince Simon
Down.
Princess Camilla, Prince Simon
Up. Ah!
Eg
What if they couldn’t hear it? What if they were asleep?
Princess Camilla
What are you suggesting?
Eg
With Dulcibella’s aid, we can fix a royal meal and add a sleeping potion to it.
Dulcibella
Oh Eg, you do care!
Eg
Don’t get your hopes up; I’m only being practical.
Prince Simon
That’s brilliant! But how would we get the drawbridge opened?
Dulcibella
Princess, you have that authority, don’t you?
Princess Camilla
Yes… Yes, I do!
Eg
But how are you going to make your escape? You can’t just walk out; when they wake up and find you’re gone, they’ll quickly overtake you.
Carlo
I’m a master of horses, and we came by carriages and horses. Under the guise of exercising them, I can make them ready for your escape.
Eg
Carlo, that’s also brilliant! [Segue to song]
Carlo
When it comes to riding tall, I summon up the forces,
I sashay down into the stall and saddle up the horses!
With stirrup, bridle, well attached, a sight worth being seen,
We’ve taken from my worthy cache, a ride fit for a queen!
Horses, horses, a transport strong and bold.
Of course is, of course is well worth its weight in gold!
Current Ensemble
Horses, horses, a transport strong and bold.
Of course is, of course is well worth its weight in gold!
Carlo
When I was young I was a son, had parents most endearing;
They had a thought so I was taught of horses to be fearing.
I liked the Clydesdale, appaloosa, Shire and Shetland pony,
But they thought e’en a quarter horse, was one-fourth horse too many!
Horse, horses, can’t have big or small,
Of course is, of course is can’t have none at all.
Current Ensemble
Horse, horses, can’t have big or small,
Of course is, of course is can’t have none at all.
Carlo
Then I tricked them. When found out, their tempers were on fire:
I told them I had been engaged to ‘prentice to a sire.
A sire of course is one male horse who wants to raise a fam;
It ended with success, you see, because he gave a dam!
Horses, horses, a lucrative endeavor.
Of course is I love horses and will honor them forever!
Current Ensemble
Horses, horses, a lucrative endeavor.
Of course is he loves/I love horses and will honor them forever!
Prince Simon
Good! Then its settled. Eg and Dulcibella, you’ll fix the royal meal, and Eg will add in a sleeping potion.
Princess Camilla
While they’re dreaming of another vacation in Las Vegas, Carlo will arrange the horses.
Prince Simon
I’ll go with Carlo; the horses know me, too, and he may need some help. You, dear Princess, can make the arrangements for the lowering of the drawbridge. I’m sure we’ll all know when that process is completed by a sudden occurrence of silence.
Eg
I knew my father would never get around to oiling it!
Princess Camilla
I can handle it.
Prince Simon.
Let us to our respective duties.
Princess Camilla
With my charm, and with my royal grace,
I’ll greet the guards as we come face to face.
“Please sir, I have things to amend;
I’ll carry tea and crumpets to a very dear friend.”
Carlo
Neighboring horses, neighing horses,
Which ones do I pick? The thin one or the thick?
Everybody likes to ride a horsey facing front or side.
One for groom, one for bride,
Which ones do I pick? The thin one or the thick?
Prince Simon
A flower and a tree have strength and beauty all can see,
Each riding on a horsey to a place they can be free.
Dulcibella
Stir and fry, stir and fry, anything to catch a cook.
Abalone with baloney, snips and snails and puppy dog tails
Anything to make him look directly in my eyes.
Eg
Tryptophan can numb the brain but melatonin’s faster
A feast surprise can close the eyes of mistress and of master!
Carlo makes the horses tame, would that I could do the same
With omelets, bouillabaisse, and game
But first, I must move past her!
[Their respective lyrics are repeated together, as a quintet. They then exit, singing their respective parts.]
[King Morph and Queen Zazu enter, followed by the Chancellor who is pushing a wheelbarrow full of papers. The Chancellor is dressed comfortably in simple peasant clothing.]
King Morph
No, no, I won’t hear of it!
Chancellor
I’m trying to explain, as painlessly as I can…
Queen Zazu
Perhaps you’re better suited as a dentist.
King Morph
No, my dear, he’s seems to be suited as a peasant.
Chancellor
Please, I implore you. As your trusted counselor, I can tell you this is important.
Queen Zazu
Importance is a relative thing. Does this involve giving any money to any of our relatives?
Chancellor
Quite the contrary.
King Morph
Ah! Then it must mean they are giving money to us. Pray tell us your concerns.
Chancellor
It has been brought to my attention:
Lacking wholesome intervention
Nothing tends to change.
King Morph, Queen Zazu
Nothing tends to change.
Chancellor
Yet sometimes due to lack of focus
Magic, like a hocus-pocus
Causes things so strange.
King Morph, Queen Zazu
Causes things so strange.
Chancellor
Once I had a chance to buy
A futures stock clouds in the sky
That cloud took off and went so high—
Of all its shares, I own not one;
What’s done is done!
King Morph, Queen Zazu
That cloud took off and went so high—
Of all its shares, he owns not one;
What’s done is done!
Chancellor, King Morph, Queen Zazu
Every time an option rises
Someone comes and criticizes
No matter if we lost or won,
What’s done is done!
Chancellor
A fishing vessel went to sea
With captain strong (it wasn’t me!).
The captain made a wish.
King Morph, Queen Zazu
The captain made a wish.
Chancellor
He asked his sailors, all of them
Even though they could not swim
To dive and catch a fish!
King Morph, Queen Zazu
To dive and catch a fish!
Chancellor
But all of them decided he
Deserved a total mutiny
The captain shortly ceased to be—
He ended up unsung!
What’s done is done!
Chancellor, King Morph, Queen Zazu
Every time an option rises
Someone comes and criticizes
No matter if we lost or won,
What’s done is done!
King Morph
But what is the purpose of your song?
Chancellor
Just one more verse, and you’ll see what’s wrong!
A kindly ruler ruled his land
With far too generous helpful hand.
The taxes were too low.
King Morph, Queen Zazu
The taxes were too low.
Chancellor
Gradually over time
He had no farthing, pence or dime;
A devastating blow!
King Morph, Queen Zazu
A devastating blow!
Chancellor
Though done with every good intent
He simply couldn’t take the hint
As to whose lifestyle now was spent—
And you, Sire, are the one!
What’s done is done!
King Morph, Queen Zazu
Now our options have diminished;
Our grand lifestyle may be finished.
King Morph, Queen Zazu, Chancellor
No matter if we/you’ve lost or won,
What’s done is done!
Queen Zazu
Oh, sadness, oh misery! What am I going to tell my maids in waiting?
Chancellor
Actually, Your Highness—I mean, Ms. Zazu, there’s no problem there, as you no longer have any servants; you can’t afford them.
Morph
What is that in that wheelbarrow? Are those receipts for taxes collected?
Chancellor
Quite the opposite, Mr. Morph. Those are your unpaid bills.
Morph
Well then, the answer is quite simple: I’ll issue a mandate to collect enough taxes to pay the bills!
Chancellor
Actually, I lied, it’s not just bills, because one of the papers here, um, let me find it—is a set of the Rules of Royalty that you and your ancestors heartily approved. There’s one article here, ah, that states, “At such time as the royal family is assessed as being financially and fiscally defunct, they are summarily demoted to the same class of those whom they previously ruled.” In other words, Sire—I mean, Morph, you and your family and all your underlings including me are now simple common folk. The only difference is the common folk now have more money than we have!
Zazu
Then we will change that law! After all we are the king and queen, are we not?
Chancellor
Not. As also required by law, I was charged to immediately report it to the media. This has already been recorded in the country’s official log and published for the review of all citizens that, regarding you as king and queen, together you are not, that is to say, you both are not’s. And as not’s on the log, you no longer have the authority to do anything legal or regal.
Morph
If I still had the authority, in spite of our long friendship, I’d take action and have your head for telling. If I were still king.
Chancellor
If you were still king.
Morph
But as things now stand, the only action I will take is to congratulate you on the fact that I am no longer king.
[Morph shakes hands with the Chancellor.]
Zazu
Oh, woe are we; our royalty is dead.
Morph, Zazu
Even our chancellor is now just plain old Fred!
Morph, Zazu, Fred
Oh, woe are we/they; our/their royalty is dead.
Zazu
Of money, we have none,
Morph
Our family’s rule is done.
Morph, Zazu, Fred
We/They even have no chancellor; he’s/I’m just a man named Fred!
Morph
Well, Fred, what do you think we ought to do?
Fred
Truthfully speaking as a friend, I think you’re through!
Unless, of course, you find a source,
A source of hidden wealth.
And then regain your royalty,
Back to your former selves.
Morph
But where could we possibly find our hidden source of wealth?
Zazu
Stop thinking in such simple terms; don’t be so simple! Simon is our key to salvation!
Morph
Of course! Why didn’t I think of that? Please don’t answer.
Zazu
We must bring them in at once and ask their forgiveness. It is critical that we shield them from knowledge of our fiscal, um, …
Fred
Adventure?
Zazu
Circumstance.
Morph
But what about our deception about the Princess—I mean, Camilla? How will we explain that to King Ollie and Queen Isabel?
Fred
Kindly leave that up to me. I’ll fix things just like I always do.
Morph, Zazu
Please don’t.
Fred
Shall I invite the other real royalty for an audience?
Morph
I believe we do already have one, however small and sleepy it may be.
Zazu
Pray do invite them in for a consultation, advising them that an apology on our part is in the offing.
Fred
[Goes offstage, sings offstage] Your Royal Highnesses, you are invited to a consultation that includes an apology for offenses made and regretted. Pray attend. [Fred returns with King Ollie and Queen Isabel.]
King Ollie and Queen Isabel
You have something you wish to say?
Morph, Zazu
We do.
King Ollie and Queen Isabel
We have something to say, too.
Morph, Zazu, King Ollie, Queen Isabel
You go first.
No, you.
OK, we will.
Fred
This won’t do!
[To Morph and Zazu] You invited them to this meeting;
So protocol suggests you give first greeting.
Morph, Zazu
Very well.
King Ollie, Queen Isabel
Do tell.
Morph
We are so sad; we have such grief.
I’d explain it very quickly but I’m very, very bad at quick discourse and keeping comments brief.
Zazu
Let me explain: we showed poor taste,
Simply stated plain, we reacted in haste.
Morph
Of course you want what is best for your son.
Good parents want assurance, which is why the deed was done.
We wished our bright one to find the right one,
The opportunity we did not want to waste!
Zazu
Now we apologize
For strategy most unwise
And hope we can all have a fresh start;
Zazu, Morph
This desire lies deep within my heart.
Fred
[Aside] Little do they know that our kingdom is a “no,”
And nobody save themselves can help us save it.
With our financial gloom, we’ve very, very little room
For us to hope; what’s left: we simply have to brave it!
King Ollie, Queen Isabel
What you did was very wrong!
We’ve thought about it, hard and long.
You certainly have shown poor taste,
Simply stated plain, you reacted in haste.
Of course you want what is best for your daughter.
And so you would do what you think that you oughter.
Queen Isabel
Your sincerity has won, what’s done is done,
King Ollie, Queen Isabel
Your apology’s accepted and will not go to waste!
King Ollie
We too are sad; we also have grief.
But we know how to keep our comments brief:
Queen Isabel
We reciprocate and similarly state
King Ollie, Queen Isabel
Our sincere apology and hope for complete relief!
Fred
[Aside] Our guests are very happy, but I do have this concern,
They yielded far too quickly, and their mood took quite a turn.
Perhaps they have a hidden plan we haven’t seen before;
I hope it’s just my misperception, that and nothing more!
[All repeat their apologies and Fred’s asides as a quintet.]
All
As friends we are/they’re all united, there is no need to divide.
Everything is fresh and new, our cautions set aside.
Let us bring the lovers in, as all is fresh and new.
With vows said we’ll have them wed and wish them fond adieu;
With vows said we’ll have them wed and wish them fond adieu.
Fred
Egbert, Egbert! Come at once! [Eg enters with a bowl in one hand, and the vial of poison in the other; he was just about ready to pour.]
Eg
You wish to see me?
Fred
All is well! Go at once and prepare the royal wedding feast.
Eg
All is reconciled? [He sees the others beaming happiness, then quickly slips the vial into his pants pocket.]
Fred
That is none of your concern. Go prepare your masterpiece!
Eg
As you wish. [As he exits, he limps out, as his leg has fallen asleep from the poison!]
Morph
[to Fred] Go at once and bring forth the happy couple.
Fred
Delighted; as you wish! [Fred exits]
Morph, Zazu, King Ollie, Queen Isabel
As friends we are/they’re all united, there is no need to divide.
Everything is fresh and new, our cautions set aside.
Let us bring the lovers in, as all is fresh and new.
With vows said we’ll have them wed and wish them fond adieu;
With vows said we’ll have them wed and wish them fond adieu.
Zazu
[Fred rushes in] Well?
Fred
They’re gone! Disappeared!
Morph, King Ollie, Queen Isabel
Gone? [Eg reenters, limping, carrying a dish of beans.]
Eg
Gone.
Fred
Eg! What do you know about this?
Zazu
[To Fred] I’ll ask the questions here. Eg! What do you know about this? [She frightens him; he drops the beans and platter.]
Eg
I hate to be the one to spill the beans, but…
Camilla Princess and Simon Prince
Really do not want their parents to take offense.
Although their plan will make their parents tense,
For them, togetherness is what makes sense!
The others
Although their plan will make us very tense,
For them, togetherness they think makes sense!
Eg
The two are lovestruck and would not wait
For their royal parents to reconciliate.
They chose instead to manage their fate
And decided they would leave through the drawbridge gate!
The others
They chose instead to manage their own fate
And decided they would leave through the drawbridge gate!
Eg
She in her gown, he in his cape,
Have fulfilled their plans for a great escape!
They grabbed two horses by the nape,
And stealthily did they ride to the drawbridge gate!
The others
They grabbed two horses by the nape,
And stealthily they rode to the drawbridge gate!
What more can we do; we did reconciliate.
Oh woe it is for all if us if this should be our fate.
We must now take some action before it is too late
And stop their exposition through the drawbridge gate!
Townspeople, townspeople, one and all,
Now come hither, hither, come now heed our hither call! [Townspeople enter]
Townspeople
We heed your call, your instructions we await:
What actions items would you place upon our plate?
The others
Bring back the Prince and Princess is all that’s on your slate:
You’ll find them hanging somewhere ‘round the drawbridge gate!
Townspeople
We go, we go, we hope we’re not too late
To get them back before they cross the drawbridge gate! [The Townspeople, Eg, Fred exit.]
King Ollie
What’s taking them so long? They’ve already been gone 30 seconds!
Queen Isabel
Patience, my dear; remember what we’re up against.
King Ollie
Ah, yes. Your Royal Highnesses, perhaps we would have better luck expediting their return if we offer some sort of fiscal reward, and this being your kingdom, of course, it would be quite appropriate were such an award be proffered by you.
King Morph
Well, actually, we were just about to suggest the same thing to you, only that, as you are the guests in our fair land, that as a show of respect and to honor your hosts that you might produce such an award.
Zazu
Money influences others;
This we know so well.
Where it comes from also has some
Impact on the sell.
Morph
You will greatly please my people
If it comes from you.
They’ll be delighted, not feel slighted
And welcome you anew.
Morph, Zazu
Fiduciary responsibility.
When it comes to handling funds just leave it up to me!
If you wish to make some money,
catch your flies with milk and honey
Let your golden days be sunny,
Just leave it up to me!
Queen Isabel
Money influences others;
Yes, we know it well.
The source, you say, can make its day;
On this we need not dwell.
King Ollie
You’re the leaders of your people
Show your strength robust:
You can serve what they deserve
And thus maintain their trust!
King Ollie, Queen Isabel
Fiduciary responsibility.
When it comes to handling funds just leave it up to me!
If you wish to make some money,
catch your flies with milk and honey
Let your golden days be sunny,
Just leave it up to me!
All
Fiduciary responsibility.
When it comes to handling funds we’re the ones, you see!
If you wish to make some money,
catch your flies with milk and honey
Let your golden days be sunny,
Just leave it up to we!
Morph
I respectfully submit, you should be the one providing the monetary award.
Queen Isabel
Oh posh! This is your kingdom; it’s your responsibility.
[They start arguing; they are interrupted by the entrance of the leads and Townspeople.]
Morph, Zazu, King Ollie, Queen Isabel
[Variously; ensemble also talks among themselves] My darling child! Dear Princess/Prince! Are you OK? We were so worried! Etc.
Camilla
Quiet, everyone, please, quiet! We are all quite fine. In fact, we are all quite, extremely wonderful, and elated! Dulcibella was kind enough to advise us that all has been reconciled.
Zazu
We’re so sorry our foolishness put you through such anguish.
Queen Isabel
Now our hearts are as one, and there is nothing that can tear us asunder.
King Ollie
We are all fully at peace.
Morph
Friends for life.
Morph, Zazu, King Ollie, Queen Isabel
For life!
Townspeople
For Life!
Queen Isabel
Of course, there is one last item to reconcile, and that is the dowry.
Morph, Zazu
Dowry?
King Ollie
Of course. Is it not customary for the parents of the bride to provide a substantial sum to the bridegroom?
Morph
I have heard of such a thing… [nudged by Zazu]
Zazu
Of course, in modern times such as ours, traditions have shifted somewhat, and it is now the responsibility of the parents of the bridegroom to extend a dowry to the bride.
Carlo
I’m afraid that’s not possible.
Morph, Zazu, King Ollie, Queen Isabel
What?
Carlo
[to King Ollie, Queen Isabel] I apologize for not advising you sooner, but it seems that, thanks to your generosity to those you rule, your treasury is now empty. You’re now relegated as common folk.
Dulcibella
Coo, that’s what happened here, too!
Morph, Zazu
What? How dare you try to trick us. You simply wanted to get back together so we would end up funding your kingdom!
Ollie, Isabel
How dare us? You would make fools of us and sponge off of our money?
[Great-Aunt Malkin enters followed by Musician with windchimes playing as she enters; with each windchime sound, she waves her hands Glenda style.]
Morph, Zazu
Great-Aunt Malkin! [Windchimes]
Ollie, Isabel
Great-Aunt Malkin? [Windchimes]
Camilla
[To Simon] My godmother! My Great-Aunt Malkin! [Windchimes]
Great-Aunt Malkin
[Windchimes sound; To Camilla] How are you, my dear? [Windchimes sound; to Musician]
Would you please stop that! You obviously have no idea how obnoxious that is! Just go away! Now! [Musician hastily exits.]
[To the audience] You’re welcome.
[To Morph and Zazu] Ah, I see you’ve both received the happiness each has deserved.
Morph
Well, actually… [he is nudged by Zazu], yes, yes indeed!
Ollie
How old is this woman?
Great-Aunt Malkin
Old enough to have some wisdom for ex-royalty, even for you if you’re wise enough to listen to it. As one grows older, memory gives way to wisdom; I personally know this is true, as I now possess wisdom beyond my years that I wish to share with you! Now if only I can remember what it is…ah, oh yes. I got it.
When I was born, my mom was forewarned
To take a very careful look at me.
T’was my Aunt McBride who took mom aside
And warned her of a curse from antiquity.
She told her that my beauty was far too intense,
That others would forget to check if I had common sense.
She told her to deploy a plan so coy,
To let all people know my looks could make them wince.
But,
Every maid’s a beauty; every beau’s a gem.
It doesn’t really matter if it’s he, she, it, or him.
Life is full of beauty, and it becomes our duty
To share our love with others, share with vigor and with vim!
Ensemble
Every maid’s a beauty; every beau’s a gem.
It doesn’t really matter if it’s he, she, it, or him.
Life is full of beauty, and it really is our duty
To share our love with others, share with vigor and with vim!
Great-Aunt Malkin
My mother did not heed her call,
And promptly said I was indeed most beautiful of all.
My Aunt McBride then almost cried,
And said those words became the curse that unto me would fall.
She said someday a man would come unto the scene.
But not of course until I grew to be of age eighteen.
Hearts filled with joy for the girl and boy
Alas, things turned around from what they could have been.
But,
Every maid’s a beauty; every beau’s a gem.
It doesn’t really matter if it’s he, she, it, or him.
Life is full of beauty, and it becomes our duty
To share our love with others, share with vigor and with vim!
Ensemble
Every maid’s a beauty; every beau’s a gem.
It doesn’t really matter if it’s he, she, it, or him.
Life is full of beauty, and it really is our duty
To share our love with others, share with vigor and with vim!
Great-Aunt Malkin
He quickly learned that I was spoiled,
And had not e’en a smidgen of good common sense.
He thus recoiled and our plans were foiled,
And he disappeared and I’ve never seen him hence.
Now you parents, please hear my call:
Money, beauty, royalty makes no real sense.
You must let go of your pompous show
For love is the only one true recompense.
So,
Every maid’s a beauty; every beau’s a gem.
It doesn’t really matter if it’s he, she, it, or him.
Life is full of beauty, and it becomes our duty
To share our love with others, share with vigor and with vim!
Ensemble
Every maid’s a beauty; every beau’s a gem.
It doesn’t really matter if it’s he, she, it, or him.
Life is full of beauty, and it really is our duty
To share our love with others, share with vigor and with vim!
Morph
What a fool I’ve been.
Zazu
Yes, you have! Well, actually, we—what fools we have been.
Morph
But you, my dear, have always have been the insightful one.
Zazu
Oh, bosh! I’ve simply reflected on what you perceived!
Ollie
I’m afraid we’ve also been rather foolish all along. [Isabel nods in agreement.]
Zazu
Perhaps, but we’ve been the more foolish parents.
Isabel
I don’t think so. I think we’ve been much more foolish.
Morph
Nonsense! We’re the foolishest!
Ollie
No, we are!
Great Aunt Malkin [intercedes]
Children, children. Are we forgetting what’s at stake here? [indicating Camilla and Simon]
Zazu
Of course, of course. We apologize; you are the most foolish.
Morph
No, no, no, we all possess the same high degree of foolishness such as is indispensable for establishing true friendship!
Townspeople
Sing, we now of friendship fair
Gathering without a care.
Now, when all is said and done,
Nothing to do but have fun!
Your kindness we return in kind
No ill will, in fact you’ll find:
There’s no bother; there’s no fuss;
You are a royal one of us!
Equal in status, equal in wealth,
Here you get to be yourself.
No need to scream; no need to cuss:
You are a royal one of us!
Morph, Zazu, Ollie, Isabel
All our wealth is dead and gone;
All that’s left is this sad song.
But our hearts, these people have won,
So nothing to do but have fun!
With money gone can’t fly on a plane
Or even take an Amtrak train.
No TSA; we’ll take a bus;
Now we’re a royal one of us!
Equal in status, equal in wealth,
Here we get to be ourselves.
No need to scream; no need to cuss:
Now we’re a royal one of us!
Ensemble
Equal in status, equal in wealth,
Here you/we get to be ourselves.
No need to scream; no need to cuss:
You are/Now we’re a royal one of us!
Great-Aunt Malkin
Then the time has come for everyone present to celebrate the gift of love!
Hail, hail Ex-Majesty, our friend, Camilla!
She has finally met a nice fella!
Our King and Queen, gave up the crown
And are now ordinary folk of our fair town!
Hail, the commonfolk, hail our new-found friends!
They can now relaxes as they don’t have to pay taxes!
Hail, Ollie and Morph, Zazu and Isabel,
After the wedding, we will all chow down;
After the wedding, we will all chow down!
Simon, Camilla
One of our dreams, we long to share:
A giving of receiving as only love shall dare.
Now we are traveling a life-long road;
Now I love you! (For I now know who you are.) For
Today you found me,
And today, this day, I found you!
One of my dreams!
Eg
When I would need lovelorn advice I could not find much aid.
I’ll never get a shower of rice or end up getting laid.
You thought ‘twas women I would seek, but they’ve no magic touch;
You gave advice that was too weak; and for that (?) I thank you very much!
I thank you very much; I thank you very much!
Love will never come out to me,
Though it oft’ times comes to fool me;
Thank you very much; I thank you very much!
I thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,
Thank---you--- ver-y- much--; thank---you--- ver-y- much,
Very much, very much, very much! [He bows to the thank yous, moving backward, then bumps back to back against Carlo.]
[Eg and Carlo turn and face each other, simultaneously hold out their arms, and enter into a passionate embrace.]
Great-Aunt Malkin
Happier, and happier!
Dulcibella, Fred
Well, that certainly explains a lot!
Fred
So now all are united, except for poor Fred. Ah, if only there were one equal to my standards, but alas, there is none.
Dulcibella
Oh, dear Fred, you forget about me.
Fred
You?
Dulcibella
Of course me! My Lord—I mean, Fred—I’ve always admired your status and your rank, but I was far too below your rank to even consider being attracted to you. But now that you’ve been cleansed of your rank, there is nothing to stop us from being forever united. I’ve admired you from afar; now that you’re rank-free, I’d like to admire you from a-near.
Fred
Pray don’t. You lack the qualities—how can I put this?
Fred
How do you survive?
You’re such a simple-minded woman.
The conclusion I arrive
Is you’re not likely to be human!
You fumble thoughts and words galore;
And definitely are quite the bore.
Fred, Dulcibella
But,
Dulcibella
[Angrily] Your intellect, decorum, and your poise speak of insanity
Genome evidence exists that concentrate your vanity.
I would never contemplate our intimate relations
Ours would definitely be construed of poor conflations!
And what is it all for?
Do I really need to say more?
All my thoughts that I would share
Your understanding’s just not there
My intellect if I laid bare
Would drop you to the floor!
[They and the music pause; they stare at each other, smile, then suddenly]
Fred
Darling!
Dulcibella
Sweetheart! [They embrace.]
Camilla
My dear godmother, it looks like both your curses and blessings have all been happily fulfilled!
Great-Aunt Malkin
I see. Nothing could possibly be more satisfactory!
Stream the streamers hang the banners, pluck the lyre, fill the cup!
But for lovers, Mind your manners, it is time for us to sup;
But for lovers, Mind your manners, it is time for us to sup!
Simon and Camilla’s wed; let the revelry commence.
Hear us croon with joy and pride for a tasty recompense, for a tasty recompense!
Fred
Eating softly, happily meeting.
On this joyous wedding day.
All are lofty and are eating,
There is nothing left to say!
Ensemble
Many, many years we have toiled To find our lovers we could keep.
Oft the fears Of being foiled Had robbed us of our nightly sleep;
Oft the fears of being foiled Had robbed us of our nightly sleep!
Just today the royal fold flushed away its final hand
Here to stay (they’re not too old) are our ex-rulers of the land, ex-rulers of the land.
All hail the King, though king no more; he’s one of us!
With royalty we no longer need to fuss!
Huzzah, huzzah, huzzah!